What a busy couple of months I have had!
I’ve pretty much ignored my garden. Luckily my plants are all perennials (I’m pretty sure that is what they are called) so they come back from the dead pretty easily. Well, except the walking stick kale. I don’t know how it is still surviving. The invisible bugs have eaten away all the leaves, yet some new leaves grew back pretty quickly. More feasting for the bugs, I guess.
Things have seemed pretty complicated with me emotionally. In the midst of taking care of my mom, not having a job, and finding my individuality, I’ve acquired a slew of mixed emotions and discovered some old ones that need altering. A part of me really wants to be the motherly nurturer, yet I’m recognizing and accepting my inner need to soar. I’m battling between selfishness and self-fulfillment.
I don’t feel I will ever get my food choices in perfect order. I try to accept that there will be failures, but my failures make me tired, depressed, itchy, and bloated. I would love to exclude coffee from my daily regimen. I don’t see that happening when I also desire cutting out soy, corn and potatoes. What else can I add to my discomfort food list?
At the beginning of the year, I was contemplating taking an online course in Nutrition. I really believed the Universe was pulling me in this direction, and if that were the case, I was sure money would fall from the sky to pay for it.
What did happen was I found myself enrolling at the nearest junior college.
The information that I find online about toxic ingredients, FDA regulations, government secrets, and inflammatory diseases is overwhelming. There’s too much to absorb. I don’t feel qualified to discuss some of these issues, although, I am acquiring many theories. Now, I have the opportunity to learn some different perspectives and take some other interesting courses along the way. Wherever the road takes me, I am up for the challenge!
Unfortunately, I may have challenged myself too much. After 20 years of not being in a school setting, I have really overextended myself with all the classes I am taking, not to mention the studying, taking care of my irrational mother, volunteering for non-profit organizations, and any other needs required in my normal ordinary life.
Good news is my brain is working. It’s quite painful. It’s quite rewarding! It’s opening my mind to worlds other than my own!
Now, back to the emotions.
I’ve had to learn to let go of Ego. I don’t know crap. I have to open my mind every morning to staying attentive to new information surrounding me as I bask in the sea of young adulthood. It takes a lot of courage to ask these high school graduates their opinion on our assignment, because I have none. In my Anthropology class, we learned about ethnocentrism, which as Anthropologist, we would need to put aside ego of our own culture and be open to a different culture’s point of view. This I keep in mind, as I converse with these 20 -year-olds who seem to know a lot more than I do at this moment.
One particular experience with my emotions came to fruition this last week as I realized I had an anger issue. Why was I so angry? Was I angry, and at what exactly? You see, every time my Environmental Science teacher mentions GMO’s, I voice my opinion. My very loud opinion! Why was it so loud? I realize I have had issues in the past with my voice raising as I try to explain my point of view. Extensive work on myself shows that it is my inner child wanting to be heard. What seemed a little bit absurd in the past weeks as I am learning about agriculture is that no one else in the class is yelling!! No one is arguing with me! There are some points being made, discussion, and I am leaving the class thinking “wow, did I raise my voice?”
I know I have good reason to be irate about the altering of our agriculture. But seriously, it wasn’t needed at this time. Once I realized that this behavior stemmed from a need for validation and approval, I was able to let it go. My self worth does not need to be measured by whether or not people agree with me.
What a lesson!
So, I am glad to be back at school. I am not sure if I am ready for it, financially or emotionally, but I feel that readiness will catch up and I will eventually find balance again.