This year, 2013, was supposed bring forth bright horizons, abundance, healthy bodies, and joyous outcomes. This was the year that everything would turn around for me, pointing me down the path to my new life. I envisioned dreams coming true, knights in shining armor, yellow brick roads, magical wands. . . the fantasies are endless.
My funk never waivers. It’s lasted way too long. It’s not a depression, but I don’t feel good. If I feel a bit of hope for a few hours, it doesn’t last. I keep waiting for something spectacular to happen that will lift my spirits. Something that gets me moving and rejoicing. Something that puts an addictive smile on my face. And I wait . . .
I killed my oregano.
It could revive itself. since there are a few green leaves left. I realized, at one time, this was my perfect herb because it dies and comes back to life without much effort; however, it was thriving until I transferred it to a bigger container with the basil and thyme. There must have been too many rocks at the bottom of the pot because the water never drains. I could try to re-transfer, but I have run out of potting soil. My energy is very low. I would rather sit outside and stare out at my failed attempt.
I have fallen off my diet. I am gaining weight and I feel sluggish as a result, which causes more depression – or whatever this feeling is that I am experiencing. Although, on the days that I am careless with my food choices, I can still tell a difference in my depression levels compared to this crazy feeling I am experiencing. Eggs, regardless if they are organic or free range, bring on this same sluggish depression, along with numbness and itchy feet. So I am back to avoiding them at all costs.
I have given up on force feeding my mother gluten free, vegan options. I know her blood sugar was at its best when she ate like I did, but its hard to change people, even those with dementia. At this stage, they obsess constantly over what they want and they want it right now. She has told me every day she wants a hamburger from McDonald’s because it is “good for me”. I am disgusted, but I give in. It is too exhausting reasoning with someone who can’t reason. I compare this to arguing with an alcoholic. Sometimes, I wonder if this is what dealing with an autistic child is like. I have found a new appreciation for mothers of special needs kids who deal with unreasonable behaviors on a day to day basis.
Food recipes (experiments) turn out to be more failure than success. I have spent quite a bit of money on gluten free flours, natural sugars, and organic ingredients only to observe gooey breads, tasteless dinners, and other questionable meals.
I’m afraid of what people think of me again. This is the biggest disappointment. It keeps me from writing about my journey. Who wants to hear more depressing news on how I am feeling as a result of my habits and food challenges? When will I be blogging about rainbows and happy endings?
So, I once again have to turn back to all the positive aspects of my life today. My expectations I put on myself to be in a particular place in my life puts me in a self-sabotaging, remorseful state. It seems I cannot get out of this cloudy emotion, but I can look back at the year to see progress:
I put forth the effort to go back to school. This was actually more of an effort than it sounds. It didn’t feel comfortable. There were some unexpected hurdles (and still might be, financially). It required more steps than I would have thought – A lot has changed in 25 years! One foot in front of the other, I had to break it down a step at a time. I did not give up, as much as I would have liked, for it was easier to think of each accomplishment I made rather than the list of everything I had to do. It has actually turned out to be quite the exciting adventure!
I finally found a gluten free, vegan pancake recipe that works for me. I don’t know how many soggy pancakes I had to put up with. but these ones have a great texture and taste.
I discovered a new tea concoction! Another natural digestion aid: 1/2 part licorice root, 1 part lemongrass and 2 parts Marshmallow root – YUM! Easy on the stomach, and great for little slip ups with gluten (as long as there are not too many!)
The sun is a little brighter, the grass a little greener. I have a hummingbird visiting, a little straggler. He makes the most interesting noises when he sucks the nectar, and flies away when the dogs move about, but I am hoping he gets used to us.
The squirrels are leaping from limb to limb, as well as the roof of the house. I love to hear them chatter as well.
Even as I write this, I believe the last couple of weeks have been getting better for me, emotionally. Nothing has really changed physically but I can sense higher hopes. I am not sure what turned around for me. I like to blame it on some unexplainable cosmic alignment that I know nothing about.
I don’t want to get my expectations up for tomorrow, or even an hour from now, I know my emotions could alter each day, especially if the Universe decides to throw something new at me or, worse, not throw anything at all. In the meantime, I will enjoy today and try again to accept my situation as it is.