Falling out of Hope

It’s amazing to me how easy it is to fall out of Hope.  I am already discouraged that I am using the word amazing because I am sure there is another word that would fit the description; however, I am not motivated to look at at Thesaurus.  Phenomenal, Perplexing, Discouraging, Revolutionary – hell, its all just a freakin shame that I cannot hold the vision of light at the end of the tunnel.

That “amazing” list of goals at the beginning of the year has floated off into space somewhere.  I haven’t quite tackled any pursuit of mastering diabetes.  I have been too busy researching Dementia, Parkinson’s, and Lewy Body disorder which is what my mother has been diagnosed with so far.  I keep thinking there has to be something else that’s taking over her body and mind; although, these are extreme disorders that are comprised of too many symptoms.  All of them lumped together could quite be the end result of how she is moving around these days.

How is this related to food?  I would love to find out.  I dream of someday proving my theory with today’s nutrition culture.  Too many illnesses today leading to prominent disorders, too many prescriptions given for behavior modification, too many unknowns.  Could our food be the cause or the cure?  Probably both.  Sure, there are other factors such as genetics, but I am more concerned about how we are surviving on a day to day basis and how that is affecting us emotionally and physically.

My mother was in the hospital a few weeks back, and as I listened to her unknowingly exclaim, “there’s nothing they can do for me”, I realized that I also had lost hope last month.  I was excited about participating in an online nutrition course at the beginning of the year.  It fizzled.  I spent weeks searching for an affordable home that fit my dream description – its not out there.  I gave up on finding allergy free recipes and as a result, have not been eating as well as I would like.  This in turn brings out my depression, although, I tell myself I am just going through a phase.

At this stage of my life, the hopelessness I feel is more like a stagnant standstill.  Perhaps hopelessness is not the right feeling.  My mother loses hope in finding a solution for her symptoms.  I, on the other hand, have lost that blissful hopeful feeling I had when I was on a mission to fulfill my goals.  However, I am not in a state of despair.

Where do I go from here?

The only place to go is a state of Gratitude.  I have a place to come home to, with dogs who love to greet me.  I have options when it comes to finding food to eat.  It’s nice to take a vacation from work while taking care of a sick parent.  I still have most of my plants in tact.

The new plant I had purchased in March is a Walking Stick Kale.  I heard it was edible and the stalk of the plant can be dried out and used as a cane.  This is my third one purchased because the dogs seem to really like this particular kale.  Take a look and goodnight.  I am going to sleep with gratitude.

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