The Money Pit

money picture

Suze Orman is on t.v. tonight.  As she leads in to her money talk, she emphasizes the most obvious to me of buying product in order to make ourselves feel good.  The car will make us feel good.  The house will make us feel good.  We are in credit card debt but our friends ask us to go out to dinner, and we want to go and feel a part of, so we put dinner on our credit card.

The reason why this is most obvious to me is because I have spent my whole life hoping to get ahead.  If I can get paid more, if I can get that status at work, if I could buy the best drinks with the premium alcohol in the fanciest glass, then I would feel more important.  I would feel good.

Perhaps most people who also fall into this emotional trap spend their money on more tangible things.  Perhaps its the car, the boat, the house that makes them feel good.  I no longer spend money on fancy bar drinks; however, I am stuck with this yearning to feel good from pricey purchases. Mine, however, are transient, or short lived.

It just seems so ironic that I am tuning in to her rerun tonight as I plunk down on the sofa completely disgusted with myself.  All week, I could feel I was spending too much money.  It snuck up on me compulsively as I needed groceries.  Then, it was coffee, and more coffee, and more fast food, and more spending, with nothing to show for it but a pot belly.

I am escaping.

And what is my reason for escaping?  This week I had a birthday.  I accepted that the Universe is in perfect order with my dreams, even though I am single, unemployed,  and have not found my happy place.  I feel okay with where I am at today, yet I am baking and buying gluten free sugary treats for comfort.  The more sweets I consume, the more I want to purchase until I completely gorge myself with whatever is on hand.  I should stay away from soy, milk and eggs but if it is in the sugary snack before me, I am justifying my pride of avoiding gluten – until my stomach is so painfully bloated that it doesn’t matter if I grab something questionable.

Self-Sabotage

I turn the channel to Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live playing a teacher beating up on college students. This is how I feel now that I have lost my money due to a gambling urge.  I just left the casino shouting out obscenities.  I have lost my serenity, and I chuckle as Melissa McCarthy is taking out her anger on these students by hitting them with basketballs, taser guns, and toasters.

I start to feel even better as Melissa McCarthy dances to a song about ham.

Suze Orman emphasized wanting more time and peace of mind, not having to worry about things due to financial struggles.  I have felt this peace of mind along my journey.  Unfortunately, this week has been a setback which encompasses my health, money and peace of mind.  I am hoping to get back on track tomorrow.  I hope I can get back to integrating vegetables into my meals, discovering more wholesome recipes, and staying away from all foods that are toxic to my body’s system.

I know in order to accomplish these things, I will have to cook at home, which will save me from impulse purchases and questionable take out meals.  My health and my money will be at a better place.

As far as my addictions of wanting “more”, I can only overcome this with a daily conscious effort.  If I work on all the pure things in my life, there will be no room for “more”, and only good things will follow.  I have to believe this.

So tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I can start over and not feel guilty.

The setback does not have to last too long.

Good Night to all.

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